Your ability to assist someone else who is in emotional distress mostly depends on how well you understand your own emotional challenges and can manage your own reactivity.
Resolving difficult feelings does not mean that they go away. It means that your relationship with them shifts from being adversarial to companionable.
Becoming aware of our own reactivity, managing it, understanding where it comes from, what it means, and what to do about it — these are all aspects of self-awareness, which is a lifelong odyssey for everyone.
Most people become emotionally distressed when there is a contrast between what someone says and what they do. In situations where emotions might already be amplified, consistency between words, body language, and actions is crucial.
Presence is an active skill.
Bringing attention to breathing can activate strong emotions in people who are struggling with unresolved emotional challenges. This happens because bringing attention to breathing also brings awareness of the body, and the body is where our unresolved emotions reside.
The same is true of mindfulness practices in general.
Try to sense feelings in the body, as sensations.
Remember to give time for the listener to respond.
Pause, sense the feelings, take a breath, then…
Pause, sense the feelings, take a breath, then:
When learning a new skill, most people want direct instruction about what to do (or say). However, a large body of research shows that new skills are learned faster and more effectively when learners are encouraged to explore and experiment in their own unique ways. The same research shows that feedback from experts can be harmful as well as helpful, and needs to be timed effectively in the context of the learning experience.
In this training, discomfort and uncertainty are normal. They are good signals about your engagement. Instead of looking for the right way to respond, search for responses that deepen your connection with the listener. That’s a unique relationship between unique people; an ecology of its own. You have to feel your way through it.
These ideas and approaches are aspects of nonlinear pedagogy, which is grounded in the theory of ecological dynamics, which in turn emerges from dynamical systems theory.
No suggestions, no advice.
Positive feedback only: what went well.
There is a potential harm incurred (to you, and to others) if you never speak up to advocate.
However, in situations of emotional distress, a listener who immediately pivots to advocacy can cause harm by removing or minimizing emotional processing (which is foundational to healing).
In most situations, it’s best to lead with empathy. Solutions and strategies come later.
Authentic and empathetic conversation works best when we are able to be ourselves, use our own forms of language and speech, and feel comfortable with what we are saying.
This does not mean that you should say anything you want. Rather, it means that whatever words you know, whatever styles of speech you use, have within them the possibility to be used in helpful and empathetic ways.
And keep working on it.
If the following signals are not present, back off or get help:
The most important and foundational feeling
The pathway to change and growth
A reminder of commitment
The signal of individuality
This slide deck was created by Ross Laird and is available on Quarto Pub.